Thursday, May 14, 2009

Logan, you ARE an animal.

Last night, I went to see a movie in a real theater for the first time in years. X-Men Origins: Wolverine, to be specific.


My best friend had passed on reports of the movie sucking hard, so I was somewhat skeptical. However, I adore X-men, and nothing could kill that bias. Also, I would bang Hugh Jackman like a screen door in a hurricane, but that is a [suffocatingly erotic] discussion for another time. I would like to say that I didn't walk away disappointed, but I'm no liar. Let's begin:

It seems only fair to begin with what the movie did right, and that was take Hugh Jackman's clothes off. In fact, the greatest part of the movie was how hard I would do practically every man in it. Just take a look at the eyecandy Origins had to offer:

I mean, shit, I'd even do the woman in the picture.

But if all that mattered was well-muscled arms and chiseled abs and Hugh running naked through the woods and jumping off a waterfall and getting all wet and... what was I even talking about? Oh yeah. If the only thing that made a movie was how many times I creamed over the protagonist, Queen of the Damned would have won Best Picture. And there is no dimension in which that could/should have happened.

Basically what I'm saying here is, the movie was lacking in pretty much every area except sexual appeal. For a collective, detailed list of why this is true, try the following link:

It will also spoil every aspect of the movie, so if you plan on seeing it, just stick with my summary here. The biggest problem I had with the movie was the special effects. There is a scene in a bathroom where Wolverine is inspecting his newly adamantiumed claws, and the claws are seriously jumping all over the place. They don't even appear to be attached to his hands for half the scene. It's not like I was looking for this, or waiting for them to slip up. It was just that bad. Also, the scene where he fights The Blob is equally disappointing. His belly is so clearly computer generated that I began feeling embarrassed to even be sitting there watching it. It's 2009. The History Channel can make a program called "Life After People" full of devastating apocolyptic scenes that are so realistic that they make you want to jump back from the screen, but you can't make Wolverine's claws look real?

Also, overdramatized scenes. There are too many of them. I will be fair and say that this is in many ways a love movie, and that I hate love scenes by default. But howling "NOOOOOOO!" at the loss of a loved one, and those prolonged scenes where people gaze fearfully into the eyes of someone who decides to stay behind despite the fact that they will almost definitely die if they do, is beyond stupid. If I had wanted to watch a soap opera with shitty special effects, I would have saved myself $9, stayed home, and watched Charmed.

Srsly, wtf is she even wearing?

There are many other disappointing aspects, such as several ways in which Origins does not make any sense when compared with the movies it's supposed to precede. In the older movies, when Wolverine was undergoing the operation, it shows him in snug little shorts. In the new movie, he's bucknaked. And that's fine, but it's things like this that become annoying after awhile. Lastly, according to the link I gave above, there are tons of glaring historical flaws which I am too bad at history to have noticed myself, but you'd think someone might have researched these things before making a movie that spans over a century.

Basically, the movie sucks. But Hugh Jackman gets naked. Your call.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Google Image me, baby.

I realize that my addiction to looking up grotesque things on Google Image is probably abnormal and a sign of some sort of deeply buried insanity, and probably has a lot to do with the vivid nightmares I still seem to have, but you know, who cares.

Anyway, while rabbit-trailing along far enough to cross the path of "anencephaly," I eventually rested on Chernobyl.** I had, until today, limited knowledge of the Chernobyl catastrophe, other than the fact that it was nuclear, deadly, and why there are no pictures of me playing outside as a baby. But now I will go to sleep with the images of patients with cancer and birth defects as a result of Chernobyl burned into my retinas. Oh and this:

That would be the Earth, and that red cloud would be scary radioactive death being projected all over Europe thanks to the Soviet Union being borderline retarded. Do you see Germany, where my mom was hanging out in April 1986, two months pregnant with me? Of course you don't. That would require it to not be directly under a dark red, toxic death cloud. Awesome. Other maps show that radiation levels in Germany were at least 10% above normal until well past when I was born. More awesome.

I kind of wanted to end this entry with morbid pictures of what I was NOT born looking like as a praise to the universe for not being quite that cruel, but I apparently have enough soul left to not defile the pictures of Russian orphans with debilitating birth defects quite that much. But seriously, I really just want to be able to sleep tonight.

**Also, do not Google Image "anencephaly." Seriously. Just imagine the aliens from Mars Attacks without the glass head pieces and as babies. Let me help:

Lol. Plz let there be a hell, so that I might meet others like myself.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Happy New Ye... wait.

A few days ago, I was Etsy-lurking when I stumbled upon someone selling homemade soaps that look amazing.

I mean, seriously, who can do things this amazing?

Me, being the completely unrealistic person I am, decided that I will learn to do this. And drag my BFF into the destruction.

She's agreed, btw.

Anyway, while looking for instructions on the internet [and mind you, there is no shortage of people with a desire to tell you how to make soap/ their personal feelings concerning soap], I fell upon a blog-rant about how my generation sucks the big one, and couldn't survive for more than a week if lost in the wilderness. And that's when I realized that despite the fact that I was in Girl Scouts for over half of my life thus far, this guy would probably win that bet on me. So My New Years Resolution, which I'm making at the end of March is:

I want to learn to be completely self-sufficient. I want to know how to make my own soap,



ok, this actually looks terrifying, so forget moonshine

and for God's sake, I was in GS for 12 years and still suck at building a fire.

the goal

This has got to change. By this time next year (and I appreciate the fact that this may take more than one year, but I work well with unrealistic goals), I want to be ready to make all of life's necessities from scratch if necessary. I want to be able to make my own clothing and build a raft. I know how to skin most animals (thanks Dad), but I could be better. Hell, I want to know what I need to know. If the apocalypse happens, and I manage to make it out alive, I want to be a key player in my team's survival. I never want to have to buy soap again.*

*Unless it's Lush, because that stuff is freaking orgasmic.