Thursday, May 14, 2009

Logan, you ARE an animal.

Last night, I went to see a movie in a real theater for the first time in years. X-Men Origins: Wolverine, to be specific.


My best friend had passed on reports of the movie sucking hard, so I was somewhat skeptical. However, I adore X-men, and nothing could kill that bias. Also, I would bang Hugh Jackman like a screen door in a hurricane, but that is a [suffocatingly erotic] discussion for another time. I would like to say that I didn't walk away disappointed, but I'm no liar. Let's begin:

It seems only fair to begin with what the movie did right, and that was take Hugh Jackman's clothes off. In fact, the greatest part of the movie was how hard I would do practically every man in it. Just take a look at the eyecandy Origins had to offer:

I mean, shit, I'd even do the woman in the picture.

But if all that mattered was well-muscled arms and chiseled abs and Hugh running naked through the woods and jumping off a waterfall and getting all wet and... what was I even talking about? Oh yeah. If the only thing that made a movie was how many times I creamed over the protagonist, Queen of the Damned would have won Best Picture. And there is no dimension in which that could/should have happened.

Basically what I'm saying here is, the movie was lacking in pretty much every area except sexual appeal. For a collective, detailed list of why this is true, try the following link:

It will also spoil every aspect of the movie, so if you plan on seeing it, just stick with my summary here. The biggest problem I had with the movie was the special effects. There is a scene in a bathroom where Wolverine is inspecting his newly adamantiumed claws, and the claws are seriously jumping all over the place. They don't even appear to be attached to his hands for half the scene. It's not like I was looking for this, or waiting for them to slip up. It was just that bad. Also, the scene where he fights The Blob is equally disappointing. His belly is so clearly computer generated that I began feeling embarrassed to even be sitting there watching it. It's 2009. The History Channel can make a program called "Life After People" full of devastating apocolyptic scenes that are so realistic that they make you want to jump back from the screen, but you can't make Wolverine's claws look real?

Also, overdramatized scenes. There are too many of them. I will be fair and say that this is in many ways a love movie, and that I hate love scenes by default. But howling "NOOOOOOO!" at the loss of a loved one, and those prolonged scenes where people gaze fearfully into the eyes of someone who decides to stay behind despite the fact that they will almost definitely die if they do, is beyond stupid. If I had wanted to watch a soap opera with shitty special effects, I would have saved myself $9, stayed home, and watched Charmed.

Srsly, wtf is she even wearing?

There are many other disappointing aspects, such as several ways in which Origins does not make any sense when compared with the movies it's supposed to precede. In the older movies, when Wolverine was undergoing the operation, it shows him in snug little shorts. In the new movie, he's bucknaked. And that's fine, but it's things like this that become annoying after awhile. Lastly, according to the link I gave above, there are tons of glaring historical flaws which I am too bad at history to have noticed myself, but you'd think someone might have researched these things before making a movie that spans over a century.

Basically, the movie sucks. But Hugh Jackman gets naked. Your call.